Tag Archives: i think i’m funny

I feel confident in my ability to fight 3/4’s of an octopus

So, I’ve been a lazy lazy-bones for the past little while.  This is why God invented RSS feeds you can ignore until a person gets her act together and updates again, I guess?  Whatever!

I went for a long weekend to Ottawa with the lovely Miss Katherine, and in one drunken moment claimed that I could fight most of an octopus.  I think because eight legs is, like, two people?  Limbs-wise?  And two-on-one isn’t really fair, but maybe I could do slightly more than one-on-one, so I guess, like, I could fight all of one guy and another guy’s arms or something?  Which equals 3/4’s of an octopus?  Look, I was drunk.  Ernest Hemingway once said that you should actually do everything you claimed you would do while drunk, just to teach yourself to shut the hell up.  So on the advice of Hemingway, I guess I’ll be heading to MarineLand with my boxing gear and some octopus-grade handcuffs.

Do you guys want actually fightin’ news?  The other day was “get hit in the face” day, where you put in your mouth guard, put your hands up, and get hit in the face over and over for three minutes while practicing the elusive art of Not Blinking.  It’s funny to do because your partner keeps checking if you’re OK, so you keep assuring the guy that’s hitting you in the face that you’re cool while maintaining this unavoidably crazy Not Blinking game face.

I had karaoke shenanigans the other night!  It was my first time at karaoke, very exciting.  I sang Werewolves of London, because I am only interested in songs where I get to howl, apparently.  Also, I’m one of those “only knows the lyrics” people, so I don’t actually know the titles of, like, any songs, unless the title is in the chorus.  Lessons learned from karaoke: put you’re name down early.  I put mine down late and wound up waiting forever.  I would’ve sung more, but I was ready to leave by the time I finally got up.  So, learn from me, karaoke virgins.  Also, people misspell things, so don’t give up.  It may be under “Wherewolves of London” after all.

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Filed under fucking inanity, kickboxing, shenanigans, stupid jokes

Jane’s Fighting Ships

This is my favourite new title for a book.  And there are several dozen books called Jane’s Fighting Ships, so I’m a pretty happy person right now.  It really just has pictures of military ships, but the title is great.  I’ve started work at the MMA Library!  I like to imagine it’s actually a mixed martial arts library.  Really, it’s the Maritime Museum on the Atlantic Library, where I am spending a few weeks hauling and unpacking boxes after their renovations.  The boxes are all labelled MMA Library, and that excites me terribly.  Now I really want to start a library dedicated to cataloguing sweet, badass moves.  I think I would be uniquely qualified!

The job is fun!  I get to tour the museum for free, which proves that I will take the least logical route to touring a museum (I toured the Art Gallery for free when I did library work for them, too).  I also get the inside scoop on ghost stories!  I learned that I know, like, way more about maritime issues than I thought I did.  And now I know more!  Sweet~

Moving boxes and hunching over books is invigorating, but hard on the back.  I’ve been taking a few breaths to do Wheel Pose in the stacks when I start feeling too caved in.  A quick stretch during physical work it totally legit, but it occurred to me that Wheel is probably one of the stranger looking poses to be potentially caught in at work.

Kickboxing update!  I learned a sweet new kick on Tuesday.  It’s a jump-back kick, or something, I didn’t catch the name.  Basically you stand right in front of your opponent, touching him, then you leap back on your front leg and use that force to propel your back leg forward into a really hard kick.  It feels great to do, it’s fast, and it works from punching range.  It’s a little hard to control and definitely needs more practice, but I love it to bits.  I was doing a snap kick, which was easiest, but Ray was demonstrating that you can do it with anything up to and including spinning back kick.  I think I need to practice just leaping up and spinning all the way around with one leg before I try to add a kick on there.

Because of the ways we were kicking each other, I now have a perfect, round bruise on the top of my wrist, right where my watch sits.  Just thought you should know, because my bruises are my precious children.

After about a month of rain, I finally bought rain boots.  It has now stopped raining.  Ya’ll can send me whatever cookies you like.

I had a conversation a few days ago that made me laugh.  Jill and I were complaining about how, in Nova Scotia, it’s impossible to find a bottle of wine for under $9, even the stuff that’s on sale, and doesn’t that suck?  After a pause, Jill was, like, “This is a real ‘developed world’ problem, isn’t is?”  Anyway, that cracked me up, and I wanted to share it with all of you.  And now I have.  Bam!

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Filed under kickboxing, stupid jokes, work, yoga

Extending the lesson

So many exciting shenanigans, I can barely keep up.  (Everyone please remember, I have a very loose definition of “exciting”.)  I went for a cottage weekend with various of The Girls last week, to celebrate our freedom from MLIS-dom.  I ate such a ridiculous amount of food, I am not joking.  If I ever want to become truly skinny, I have to stop being friend with people who are such good cooks, I swear to Christ.  But that would entail losing both wonderful friends and fabulous food, and I’m pretty sure I look awesome anyway, so I’ll just keep everything.

The cottage was lovely, even though I had to leave a day early for work, like a big big loser.  But I had some forest shenanigans.  I did nature yoga!  I did my tree pose on a rock by a still lake, then I found a rock in the middle of a running stream, so I did tree again on it!  It was harder in the running stream, because of the movement.  This is science with yoga I am doing, not fucking around in the woods on one leg.

Then I had to part with the most precious thing, my mother’s car.  Yes, strangely, after Mom got back from her Caribbean adventure she seemed to want her car back.  Also, her cat.  Madness.  I tried to make a run for it, me and the cat against the world, but I can only get places via Google Maps, so the cops can find me pretty fast if they just check my search history (“Come, Kitty, to the Amherst liquor store!  Then the New Brunswick border, and freedom!”).  Also, if I got lost (and I would), I would probably call Mom, which makes stealing her car a little unrealistic.

Hanging out in Truro was good times.  I again played board games with six-year-old Tyler, and again lost to him.  This time it was Trouble, so it’s less likely he was cheating, the little sneak.  Next time I go up, he wants to play chess with me.  God, as you may remember from this, I have played chess exactly once and did pretty badly (though eventually won).  And considering how much this kid kicks my ass, he’s probably going to be giving me pity do-overs.  I think I need to start studying my chess moves in time for my Easter chess beat-down from my tiny nephew.  I’ll play against the three-year-old after, to bolster my ego.  (He will eat my king and I will weep.)

Kickboxing on Friday!  We took a trip to Thai-land, as in Muay Thai, which is seriously fun.  The stance is different, with the hands out in front instead of up next to your face.  It feels very natural for punching, but defensively a little exposed, since I’m used to getting smacked for not having my hands next to my face.  Also, we were supposed to have our legs straighter and bouncier, but I’m pretty sure I immediately forgot that, the way I immediately forget my grappling stance in grappling, because apparently my legs only like to do one thing no matter how stupid that is.  So, we were blocking an overhand hook, grabbing the partner in a one-handed side-clinch, then kneeing him in the stomach.  Then, block the punch, push the face, knee the stomach.  Muay Thai apparently involves a lot of kneeing people in the stomach, which is a thing I can get behind.  We ended with a bit of the old spinning back-kick, which is fun to do once but hard to do, like, twelve times in a row.  I think I need to practice spinning without getting dizzy or something, if that’s a thing, Classy Erica probably knows.

Also in kickboxing, we did an exercise where we had five minutes for holding a plank.  You didn’t have to hold it for the whole five minute, but as soon as you dropped out of the plank, you were done.  My plank is so crappy, I usually can’t hold it for more than a minute, but then I go in and out of it.  So for this, I didn’t want to be the first person in the class to drop out, so I just tried and tried, and lost all track of the concept of time and anything else, and when I finally collapsed it was three and a half minutes.  Holy crap!  I thought I had the worst plank in the whole world!  That time isn’t the best by a long shot (a few people kept it for the whole five), but it’s way better than I ever even dreamed I could do, so I was pretty excited.  Apparently, according to the Plank Gods, if you can hold a plank for two minutes you are Officially Fit.  But the Plank Gods are kind of biased.

Saturday three-hour bootcamp!  Whoo!  We couldn’t go to the gym, so we did it at the club.  This just meant a little less weight-lifting, a little more whatever-insanity-Gerald-could-come-up-with.  The best insanity was a balance exercise where you stood on one leg with your other leg extended as high as possible, in front, to the side, to the back, while moving your arms up, to the sides, in front.  For a very long time.  Seriously working those balance muscles that I’m pretty sure just don’t exist on me.  My balance is so bad, I had to stand facing away from everyone else, so everything I was looking at was completely still.  I managed to zebra up my legs because I retarded when it comes to skipping ropes, as it turns out.  We also did piggyback calf-raises, and I actually collapsed when my piggybackee hopped on me the first time.  She was bigger than me, and my piggyback posture is apparently bad.  I’ve always been strong enough to power up from my bent back with partners my own size, but it’s different when they’re heavier than you.  So!  Long-time readers may remember my guide to being a piggybackee.  Now I will impart the lessons on giving a piggyback ride.

  • Keep your back up straight.  You’ll want to lean forward, to equalize the weight.  This will actually throw off your balance!
  • Have your legs bent and shoulder-width apart, with one in front of the other for balance.
  • You are strong enough!  Booyah!

Today I finally got back to grappling.  I missed it for the past few weeks because of crazy homework and the like.  But I’m back!  We learned a really cool take-down called the head-snap.  Basically, you just grab the back of your opponent’s head and shove it down quickly, and then they’re on the ground!  And if they only go halfway down, then you choke them.  If they don’t go down at all, then I don’t know what to tell you, my algorithm has failed.  Then we did the Fireman’s Carry Takedown, which is fun as hell but really not something I plan on busting out until I practice it a little more.  You wind up in a weird position after the person flips.  At the end, rolling!  I used the head-snap, which is so simple and effective, so much love.

Last night I went with various (former) classmates to watch some archival footage from the thirties in a church.  It was strangely engaging.  There were home movies of someone’s honeymoon from 1932, documentaries about porpoise hunters, and also the greatest short, ever.  It was about burglars and mushroom casserole and it seriously needs to be remade by Jerry Bruckheimer as a summer blockbuster stat.  No one else in the church seemed to find it as hilarious as us, though, which is weird, because it had the most bizarre plot, but everything hung together perfectly.  Like a perfect short story, that ends with a pile of burglar corpses strewn merrily across your livingroom while everyone laughs.

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Filed under bootcamp, cool things, exercise, family, grappling, great ideas, kickboxing, shenanigans, useful, yoga

Stick a fork in me, I’m done!

Oh man, oh man, the homework is finished, the classes are done, the exams don’t exist, my degree is finished!  All I need is to actually get handed the piece of paper in May, and I’ll be a big-person librarian.  I finished up my work on Wednesday.  Cut to me, on Thursday, completely lost and confused.  Seriously, it’s been so long since I didn’t have anything to do, I’m pretty sure I can’t function like that.  Apparently I need a job and nine million hobbies and parties to go to or I go batty, wandering around downtown, caressing bowls and produce.  Luckily, Friday had plenty of activities lined up!  I think two days of nothing to do would be the end of me.

Friday kickboxing was good times.  We worked on chest and abs, whoo!  I’m looking forward to being in some pain tomorrow.  For one exercise, you laid on your back with your legs straight up above you, and reached up to touch your toes.  Then you did a sit-up.  Then you touched your toes twice, and two sit-ups.  Then three times.  All the way up to fifteen.  I just did the math, and that’s 120 all together.  Urg.  But I did it!  We also did pushups, where your partner does a plank, and you do a pushup on one side of her (facing her), then walk your hands over her shoulders, two pushups on the other side, walk over her shoulders again, three pushups, up to ten.  I remember doing this at the bootcamp last summer and sucking at it so hard, so I was really pleased that I did it, if not elegantly (never elegantly), at least properly and finishing.

Then, kicking things!  We practiced countering a Thai kick with a kick to the inner thigh, which was fun even if I apparently missed that I was supposed to the throwing Thai kicks.  We had to keep our hands down to counter the kicks, which was OK because we were out of range of any punches, but it still felt counter-intuitive to have both hands down.  I now have a pretty nasty bruise inside my knee.  Bruise watch alert!  It’s been so long since I had a really satisfying bruise, I am excited.  I also got punched in the nose because I wasn’t paying attention while I was supposed to be picking jabs to the face.  This happens sometimes, but what was weirdly embarrassing about this time was that my nose started running like crazy!  I was actually worried it might be bleeding or something, even though I knew I hadn’t been hit very hard, it was just so runny!  And gross!  Anyway, that’s my completely necessary story about things that might happen if you get hit in the face.  The more you learn~

I went straight from kickboxing to the MLIS year-end party.  (I’m always entertained by getting dressed up fancy at the club, because usually I dash out in my sweaty clothes without even redoing my ponytail.)  Very nice event, but I would’ve killed for some munchies.  I tried to start a ridiculous dance party with Leah, Naomi and Monica, but by the time the real dance party started I’d apparently lost interest.  I have a very small window of dance-party, it would seem.  Anatoliy gave me very good job search advice, because he is the sweetest.  And generally I caroused and chatted with people.  No drinking, though, because I am poor and sometimes I just don’t feel like drinking.  (Often when I’m poor.)

Having a car is going well.  I am offering rides all over the place, because I feel I have been given a lot of rides and I’ve built up ride-karma or something like that.  And in three days I’ll be back to being carless, so there’s that.  But I’ve come up with a new slogan for myself, based on my driving abilities in a new city, being inexperienced.  You see, I’m not a jerk.  I signal when I switch lanes, I shoulder-check, I don’t tailgate.  My problem, you see, is that I’m profoundly stupid.  I just wind up in the wrong lane sometimes, or I don’t know the rules of turning in this intersection.  So I feel I need a bumper sticker that sums me up: “Rarely an asshole, but often an idiot”  And really, couldn’t this apply to so many of us?  It’s the human condition.  Sometimes, yes, we are assholes, but mostly we’re just rock-stupid.  I am onto something here.

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Filed under bootcamp, exercise, great ideas, kickboxing, school, shenanigans, stupid jokes

Spin me right round

Chilling on the desk.  Man, things are winding down so fast, pretty soon you guys won’t be getting reference desk updates from me any more.  And if I were a more together sort of person, I would actually know the date I finish and everything.  I like to be surprised, OK?  My life is a goddamned magical journey.

I fiddled with the my blog some more, and now I have a tag cloud (ooohhhh) and a blogroll (woooow).  And I put the Archives way at the bottom, because fuck archives.  Not the discipline, I’m cool with the discipline.  I also have no specific hostility toward that class other people are in but I am not.  But the box.  On my page.  That I feel obligated to have, but it’s throwing off my feeling of design.  Man, fuck that box.  Also, regarding the blogroll.  There’s four of them for some reason, so there’s that.  And, yes, I know I have a loose definition of the word “blog”, in that many of my links are not remotely blogs, by any stretch of the imagination, not at all.  Anyway, I only inflicted one linguistics blog on you, and zero newsy-politics things, because this is a fun-times blog and I am a deeply insecure person.

In “punching things” news, I have been terribly slack this week because school classes are so close to being finished and homework is, like, so totally real, dude.  I didn’t get to the club at all this week, as I am a huge lame-o.  But this was the last week of Dal classes for a while, so I made sure to get there.   We did piggyback calf-raises, which is my favourite way to do calf-raises.  Then we learned how to dodge a round kick to the head, which meant your partner had to miss kicking you in the head, repeatedly.  Holy crap, there is just no way to make that look graceful.  Your leg goes way up high and then just sails away into the ether and you spin.  At this point, apparently your best bet is one of those cool spinning back kicks because just why the fuck not?  You have to salvage that stupidness by trying something extra-awesome, and you’re already spinning.

Attended a fancy drinks night and drank fancily.  My contribution to food was Superstore sushi, because I suck like that.  And sushi is awesome, even if it’s from the Superstore.  Anyway, I said incandescently hilarious things that I can’t repeat here because I forget what I said, which I’m pretty sure is my brain is trying to protect all of you from me.  (Every time I get close to remembering, I have a seizure.  True story, by which I mean complete lie.)

I got that Firefox 4, which is kind of weirding me out.  It switched around the “open link in new window” and “open link in new tab” buttons are on their right-click menu, and I don’t know if you guys know this about me, but I open pretty much every link ever in a new tab.  So I keep opening things in new windows accidentally and crying in frustration and throwing things out the window and setting fires.  Now I’m at work and everything’s backwards again and I’m messing up backwards.  Pretty sure this is hell.  If I were stubbing my toe and biting on tinfoil, it would definitely be hell.

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Filed under exercise, kickboxing, school, shenanigans, work

Tournament Girl!

So, I had my very first tournament today, in grappling.  I totally did not win anything, because I am a silly thing, but I got spirit, yes I do.  Whoo!  I fought twice, and got choked once.  Didn’t get submitted in the first fight, and the lady I was fighting was way more advanced than me, so I’m pretty excited about that.  I had a pretty clear goal going in: Get any points.  And I did, in fact, get any points (in fact, I got 2).  That’s actually not good or anything, but I am pretty happy nonetheless.  Because I attained a goal.  A really low goal.  Yay me!

I was actually really nervous right before the fight.  It was weirdly like exam anxiety.  I was on YouTube in the morning, looking up submissions, like cramming for a test.  “Fuck, fuck, is the Americana pulled upwards or downwards?  Fuck!”

I will put up pictures of me getting my ass kicked (but not actually kicked because we don’t do kicking in grappling) as soon as I get them off other people’s cameras.  That’s another things about grappling!  I kickbox four times a week, and only grapple once!  It’s really hard to compete in my less-dominant mindframe.  Also, while waiting to fight, Michael was showing me pressure points, which only added to the confusion.  Life is difficult with competing martial arts.

Oh yeah, I made a joke about how I abandoned my baby with my submachine gun because they both got too heavy, I should really go back and check on how they both are.  Just to illustrate how every joke I make seems to go back to my fictitious abandoned baby.  It lives at the mall, raised by the Orange Julius people, and now it has a submachine gun and is out for revenge.  A few more jokes like this, and I’ll have a new Tale Of.

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Filed under grappling, stupid jokes

Valentine’s Yoga!

We had partners yoga for Valentines, so Kathleen was my yoga valentine.  I am really sucky at partners yoga, of course, but it is ridiculously fun.  My problem is I tend to freak out as soon as my feet leave the floor when a person picks me up.  I can give piggybacks until the cows come home, but I whine like hell if someone gives me one.  Also, for all my badass pushups, I am bad at benchpressing a person.  This must be fixed.  Anyway, Shanna had a lot of fun making all the poses into two-person poses, she’s a cool instructor.

My grappling tournament is in, like, three days!  My brother called me yesterday and said he wants to compete, too.  Yay!  I didn’t know he could grapple, his formal training is all in Karate Kenpo.  But it turns out he has some informal grappling, and the tournament is open, so he’s coming in.  He was worried he may go up against me, and was all, “I can’t get beat up by my little sister, I just can’t”, but men and women are separate (like God intended), so we’re good.  So, now I’m imagining some comic-book scenario in which my brother and I fight crime.  Or perpetrate it, I’m cool either way, I just want to wear a mask and have family time.

Other important grappling news!  I finally got a recruit!  I’m always trying to get, like, every woman I know to come to the women’s grappling class, and one of the ladies I bug finally came.  Judy, from kickboxing class.  Oh yeah, I’m gonna make a fellow MMA fighter, this will be awesome.  Maybe we can fight crime.  Really just looking to be Wolverine, here.  This is how I assess every single situation I encounter.

Fun thing at work!  I mentioned this article to my boss, about a legal guide to the apocalypse in New York, and he was all, “Hey, we should buy that!”  So I actually led to a book being bought at the library.  This is what being relevant feels like, my word.  I’m just bragging here, you can ignore me.

Oh yeah, I also accidentally revealed today that I’m an alien spy, sent under deep cover.  The problem, you see, is that whenever I try out a new hairstyle, I don’t really know if it’s a way humans actually wear their hair.  So I had to ask if I had a human hairstyle today.  I did, as it turned out, but the secret’s out.  Now, to return to the lonely vacuum of space.

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Filed under family, grappling, Uncategorized, work, yoga