Monthly Archives: January 2011

Burrito Virgin!

Had a Burritos-and-Twilight Night with some of the kickboxing gals the other night.  Delightful!  Despite my attempts to keep my cool, I was revealed to be a burrito virgin.  I don’t know how I got so far in life without eating a burrito, I guess any time I was at a Mexican restaurant I just went with tacos.  It’s all essentially the same ingredients, whatever!  Not my fault I stuffed too much burrito stuff into my burrito.  Woe, shame!  Delicious shame.  Then we watched the third Twilight movie, and I’d never seen the first two (apparently also a Twilight virgin), so I had the movies retold to me by hilarious friends over wine, which I’m almost certain is more fun than watching the actual movies.  The third movie gave me this impression.  OK, there was one scene I sincerely, unironically enjoyed, the rest just involved yelling at the screen.

I got crappy news today!  My grappling tournament that was supposed to happen tomorrow isn’t happening at all!  Man, I had my shifts all switched, I told everyone I was competing, I’m so annoyed.  What happened is, there are only so many grappling ladies in the region, and all of them wound up pulling out of the competition at the last minute except my team.  So I would’ve driven for hours to get to Moncton, paid $60 to enter, and just fought the ladies from my own club.  Crappity.  On the bright side, there’s going to be another tournament, in Truro on the 19th!  It’s way better organized than this one, way closer, and my family can watch if they want.  Probably a better ‘first tournament’ than the one tomorrow, anyway (it was kind of sketchy).

I skipped kickboxing last night, to finish up an assignment (successfully, might I add).  And also today, because we had an auxiliary grappling class that was supposed to be for sprucing up for the tournament but instead turned into a much-needed bitch session (so good for the soul).  I am not doing well this week, only one kickboxing class and yoga.  No wonder I’m so sleepy!  I need to do some jumping jacks or something… but that… entails… standing…

Now I need some Whatever Policies!  Hmm… I’ve almost entirely abandoned my ‘only get groceries on Tuesdays’ policy.  Well, I’ve actually sort of inverted it, because it seems I get groceries on every day except Tuesdays.  I apparently really don’t want that 10% student discount or something, because I am doing everything in my power to avoid it.  What am I going to do with an extra $4.37, anyway?  Probably use it to get into trouble, is what.  No, I think it’s better if the Superstore takes it, they’ll use it better.  That’s my policy: Superstore spends money better than me, just let them have it.

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Filed under fucking inanity, grappling, kickboxing, shenanigans, Whatever Policies

Got my jill!

Went with Kathleen to my first yoga class in ages this week.  Very nice!  Tiny class, and the instructor will actually perform corrections, which I love and the yoga people at the gym never did.  This instructor made us do some of that terribly athletic stuff, too, which I always resent in yoga for some reason, despite relishing with Gerald.  Planks belong in bootcamp, god damn you!  But seriously, I liked it.  I have the world’s shittiest plank, anywhere I can practice it is probably for the best.

Gerald said that he wouldn’t let us spar any more unless we got cups.  Oh yes, Jessie solved my mystery for me, there are girl cups, they are called jills.  It is the cutest name for a thing on your crotch ever!  Anyway, I have one, I’ve been avoiding wearing it but I guess I’ll have to now.  I actually got kicked in the relevant area fairly hard last week, and I can see the value of the jill, good to get it before I get kicked really hard.  Oh yeah, to prove we’re wearing them, Gerald will ask “who’s knockin’?” and then you knock on your crotch.  None of this is a euphemism for anything.  Kickboxing is weird.

I have homework I should be starting, but I’m updating my blog instead.  Either I’m really slacking off on my homework… or really dedicated to my blog.  You decide!  Seriously, January is almost finished, how does that even make sense?

I’m introducing a new segment to my blog to annoy Kathleen called: Whatever Policies!  It is about my stupid policies.  Today I will talk about how I broke my No Pants Policy by buying pants last night, from the mall and everything.  They are jeans, but they’re pretty soft so hopefully not completely uncomfortable.  I bought them so I can go for walks in the woods and not get ticks on my bare legs, but they’re actually really cute pants and now I don’t want to get them torn and tick-infested.  My life is terribly difficult.  Is there a policy for that?


Filed under exercise, fucking inanity, school, Whatever Policies, yoga

Split Lip!

Another long space between updates!  Bad me!  I punished myself by smacking my face on Cynthia’s knee today.  Well, we’ll say that’s the reason, otherwise it’s clear I was just being a klutz…  Anyway, I managed to make myself bleed for the first time, which is exciting.  Only a little, though!  It really just looks like a badly chapped lip, which is not even badass at all.  And it wasn’t even inflicted on me, just me doing a one-leg takedown really stupidly.  During rolling, I also managed to get Jodie to throw me directly on my head at one point.  Things are getting intense!

Oh, I have a fighting style in grappling, apparently.  I am very persistent, and that is very annoying to my opponents.  This has been mentioned repeatedly (in a good way).  If you’re keeping track, fightin’ Shannon = frigid, twitchy, persistent (and somehow this is good).

Kickboxing yesterday was, after the first 45 minutes of fitness, all sparring.  Also very intense!  I am profoundly bruised, but only in the most satisfying ways.  Gerald was giving a talk to the beginners about the importance of headgear, and mentioned “When Shannon and Laura start competing…”  So apparently I’m going to start competing at some point.  He knows I’m competing in grappling next week, so maybe he figured, damn, give kickboxing its due.  He mentioned later that, when he first met me, he never imagined that I would wind up being his fourth ninja.  The point is, I need me some headgear, for protecting my brain-muscle.

After kickboxing, Donut Party!  I ate all the donuts in the entire world.  I also skipped two kickboxing classes this week and dance class for various social-life reasons, because I am such a goddamned social butterfly or whatever, so eating twelve thousand donuts could be in no way justified.  But freshly home-made donuts from Mary’s kitchen need no justification, only my gaping maw, that’s where they’re happy.

I was on snack-duty for Reading Practices class, and I decided to be the healthy snacks lady, which wound up being a bunch of apples, because I am uncreative and apples rule.  I assumed they would be ignored by everyone in favour of the cookies and cake, but I underestimated the hunger of starving grad students.  I always do that!


Filed under grappling, kickboxing, school, shenanigans

Hungover Somersaults!

Wow, it’s apparently been a really busy week, because I haven’t updated since my last quiet Sunday shift.  How time flies!  Anyway, grappling today was super-awesome, made slightly less super-awesome by my teeny-weeny hangover.  I seriously would not even have noticed it, except we were doing goddamned combat somersaults again.  We barely ever do those, why do they always happen on the days after parties?  I somersaulted like a champ for a while, but once we got to monkey-style (that really just the normal kind, which is the most dizzy-making, as it turns out, I’m now a somersault connoisseur), I had to stop halfway through.  Just… just not worth the risk.

We ran out of time and the end, so no rolling today.  But Jodie and I did get to slam each other into the mat a whole bunch, and in the end, isn’t that what matters?  I learned how to do a two leg take-down!  We also did an exercise called The Panther, which sounds really elegant and regal but when I do it just looks like crap.  I like it anyway, because you sort of look like Spiderman climbing a wall.

Last night was a lovely party with lovely party people.  At some point there may be a photo of me chugging wine straight out of the bottle.  Please let it be known, this was for photo-op purposes only, I delicately sip my wine from the bottle like a lady.  Other party shenanigans involved me at one point doing stomach crunches while eating potato chips.  I also “learned” to play Settlers of Catan, by which I mean, I learned I am awesome at rolling dice, seriously, it is a gift.  Also at some point I think I agreed to play water polo and submit an article to DJIM.

Night before that, out with kickboxers to say goodbye to Phil, who is leaving forever a few months to go to Mars England.  These were different kickboxers than I’ve gone out with before, and it was just delightful.  We went out right after kickboxing class, too, but at least with time to shower and change because I don’t really bring a change of clothes with me.  The class was fun.  We were doing, like, 100 jabs, 100 crosses, 100 uppercuts, 100 hooks.  Gerald teased me about taking the ‘aerobics’ approach at first, and made me stop and punch like a fighter.

I had my second and, sniff, last Bollywood dance class on Thursday.  Yeah, I was the only one to show up, not really the basis of a sustainable class.  Dammit!  There’s a flamenco class at the same time, I might go to that based on the sound principle of ‘why the fuck not?’  The last class was fun, anyway.  It was like a private lesson with Monique!  And then I raided her playlist, because she has the best music!

And before that, classes!  Like, school classes, my first full week.  I managed to already do one presentation, because I am a boring keener.  The Business Intelligence class involves reading business news and talking about it in class 2-3 times in the term, which will almost certainly get me reading business news like a crazy person and bringing it up every week, because if there’s one thing I can do, it’s read the goddamned news like a competition.  For reals, it’s like a ploy designed specifically to get me to read business news, only Shannon.  My online class, Records Management, looks like it’ll be taking place in a classroom, where everyone chats online with the prof while she talks into a headset.  The kinks are getting ironed out, is what I’m saying.  I honestly kind of prefer classrooms, anyway, so whatever, brightside.

Now, I am at work.  I went to throw out some trash, and they appear to have moved my trashcan.  Seriously, where the hell is my poubelle?  Also, I don’t know who that “they” is, I just know my trashcan didn’t move itself.  This isn’t Beauty and the Beast.  Or is it?

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Filed under dancing, exercise, grappling, kickboxing, school, shenanigans, work

You win this round, society!

OK, fine, there’s a snowstorm and whatever and I’m finally wearing my stupid tights like a normal person.  Yes, I’m toasty warm, but at what cost?  Nothing but the price of the tights, you may say, but no!  There is more!  There is also my dignity!

My first quiet-reference-shift update of the year!  On account of the aforementioned snowstorm, there is absolutely no one here.  I am also looking at a giant orange tarp, because construction has finally migrated its way on down to the worst of all places, a place where I can see it.

Some very awesome grappling today.  We learned an absolutely brutal new choke called the North-South choke.  I was the dummy at first, so I experienced it, like, six times before I ever saw it.  The only parts I knew were what happened to the opponent.  I was trying to be helpful to my partners later, but the steps I knew were, “grab her armpit, push off her hip, then terrible pain.”  Seriously, it somehow manages to cut off your blood and your air and it is so mean.

Then in rolling, I managed to successfully use a choke I learned today (not the mean one) without any prompting or helpful instructions from anyone.  Hoorah!  If you want some TMI from rolling, well here’s some of that!  I got an awesome new Under Armour sportsbra that zips up in the front (the baddest-assed sportsbra around), which is great for absolutely everything in sporting world except, as it turns out, twisting and turning against an opponent in grappling.  Last week after I finished rolling, I realized I had come completely undone.  This was near the end of the ladies’ class, too, when the men start coming in for the next class, so I had to rush into the bathroom to, you know, collect myself.  So this week I was prepared with an extra, old sportsbra over top of my wonderful new one, to protect the zipper and also act as insurance.

(If sportsbras were a high school Under Armour would beat up Lululemon.  I’m not saying that’s morally right, I’m just saying it would happen.  Maybe Lululemon was texting mean things, and so much prettier, jealousies arose.  …  This dumbass scenario is going to be in my head for days.  If you see me looking aloof and thoughtful, know that I am not thinking of philosophers or great books, no, I am detailing the petty dramas that would lead to an imaginary smack-down between anthropomorphized pieces of lingerie.  If you see me crying, it’s because high school is hard.)

Tomorrow doesn’t have any fitness planned, which isn’t too bad, because I did just do three days in a row and I’m going to try to get to the Tuesday night kickboxing, too.  Maybe I’ll try hulahooping during that online class I have.  I don’t know how involved online classes are, do I have to sit and type or can I just watch the screen?  Who am I asking here?  Oh well!  I am in some pain today, but the important thing is that my calves don’t hurt.  Seriously, for the love of God, I hate it the most when my calves hurt.  That why my stretching routine is pretty much all calf-oriented and nothing else, because I have a poor grasp of the concept of, well, “reality”, really.  (It hurts when I sneeze or laugh, by the way, so the abs did their part.  Nobody give me any pepper or witticisms!)

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Filed under exercise, fucking inanity, grappling, school, work

Much like a manatee!

I just got back from Gerald’s three-hour (actually three-and-a-half hours, of course) one-day mini-bootcamp.  Sweet merciful God in heaven!  I would whine about being in pain, but the true pain won’t start for another two days, when I wake up, sit up in bed, and every muscle rebels in agony.  You will hear the scream, wherever you are, you will hear it.

Anyway, it started with a run/walk up and down South Street.  It was, one minute walk, one minute run.  But it was Gerald Time, so it was more like 45 seconds walk, minute and a half run.  So I learned something about Gerald Time.  I always knew times were longer with him when things were hard, I just figured out today that the easier stuff is shorter.  Oh well!  Also, I’m usually the worst runner, but I was smack in the middle to finish!  Yay!  After that we were indoors, where we did all sorts of things, including weights!  I’ve never used weights before!  Kickboxing Erika (differentiated from Class Erica, aka Original Recipe Erica, aka Erica That Doesn’t Actually Need a Title Unless She Asks For One I Guess) said I would get weights in two days, when I suddenly lose the ability to wash my hair or itch my face, because my arms just won’t go that high.  I also did, like, eight chin-ups!  For the end, sparring!

Bootcamp running gag was the three-armed baby.  (We were envisioning, like, comic book three arms, of course.)  How would you work out with three arms?  How would you stretch?  How would you give birth to a three-armed baby?  So many questions to keep us laughing like complete idiots while we were supposed to be concentrating on being in terrible, terrible pain.  All of the blood had left our brains for our muscles, “thinking” was not our strong suit.  I think Kickboxing Erica put it best when she said, “Nothing classy has been said here today.”  Very true.  I thought back, and could not remember one classy thing.

In other but related news, I had a weird mystery this winter that I finally figured out.  I used to be able to sleep in really cold rooms.  No heat, one blanket, minimal clothes, no matter how much the temperature dropped.  This year, that suddenly changed.  I was getting too cold to sleep, having turn on the heat, bundle up, put on socks.  The other night I had to sleep in my hoodie.  Anyway, I was joking with my dad that I lost all my blubber, and as soon as I said it I realized that was probably actually it.  I lost 40 pounds, and now I’m getting all cold!  It’s like when a manatee goes on a diet, then she has to buy a sweater.

My first kickboxing class of the year last night.  Holy crap, it was packed.  I didn’t realize kickboxing was a New Year’s resolution type thing, but apparently I was being foolish.  I had to be very careful while roundhouse kicking Cynthia in the head, not to accidentally nick any beginners.  But it was fun, because I could actually give useful advice to people.  “When you block a blow to your head, keep your torso in mind.”  Aw, it’s almost like I know what I’m talking about.  I told Gerald about losing 40 pounds, and he was all excited and announced it to everyone, and it was very sweet, even though the beginners were probably all, like, “Yay, lady we don’t know, doing a thing…”


Filed under exercise, kickboxing

New Dance Thing!

I went to a new Monique dance class today!  Bollywood fusion!  I was planning to do Bellydance level 2, but Bollywood is so fun I may just do that instead.  Plus, it’s a workout/dance class, so apparently it’s like Zumba, if I ever were to figure out what Zumba is.  Anyway, there’s this one move where you essentially do Goddess Pose from yoga, but then you jump thirty times while sticking out your tongue and opening your eyes as wide as possible.  Imitating the goddess Kali, who I am so all about, you don’t even know.  I have comparatively fewer limbs and severed heads, but the big rack is there.  There are also moves that are all elegant and what-have-you, if that’s what you’re into.  At the start of class, we have to stretch our fingers, because we do all sorts of finger things called, like, lotus and peacock.  Then we speed it up like crazy and put it to Jai Ho.  Oh, I will enjoy being terrible at this.

First class of the last semester yesterday!  Yay!  I’ve already done some actual homework and everything.  Oh, I’m so adorably energetic when classes start.  I had to restrain myself from barrelling like a linebacker to the signup sheet for group presentations.  I don’t care what I’m presenting on, I just want to go first, goddammit.  Of course, I am still going first.  People hate going first, I really had no competition.

OK, this is weird, but does this ever happen to you, Internet?  This morning, my radio had spontaneously changed stations on me!  I always keep my clock radio (every radio, really) on CBC Radio 2, and this morning when my alarm went off it was two stations over, at some top-40 station.  I don’t know the name of it, because I don’t know any of the other stations, on account of the aforementioned only-one-channelling I do (I can verb anything, because I am a word wizard).  It was an unnerving way to wake up, anyway.  I always wake up to the last two seconds of Bob Mackowycz talking, then the little musical intro to the news, and if I don’t have to actually get up that day, I can stay in bed and listen to said news.  This morning, some guy was talking, about things, and then music was playing.  It was like a nightmare!  I seriously assumed I was still sleeping.


Filed under dancing, fucking inanity, school


Sunday had the first grappling class of 2011.  The warm-up included a rousing game of leap-frog!  Of course, as a warm-up, it was very athletic leap-frog with fully grown ladies and all, but still, so awesome.  I have not played that game since I was ten.  This led to a discussion on the psychology of jumping.  Apparently, as some people get older and stop with the schoolyard games, they totally stop jumping, and then get completely afraid of jumping.  So, my advice to anyone suffering from this, start jumping now!  Build up your jumping immunity!  Start with a hop, next month a skip, and before you know it: a jump!  We’ll meet back here in 2012 and play leap-frog!

Angela and I rolled some more, and awesome things happened that I would tell you about but it wouldn’t make too much sense because it’d all be in fight-ese.  Needless to say, we were both amazing, and I tapped her out again.  And then she said those three little words… “You should compete.”  Dear God, this will only lead to terrifying places, won’t it?

Classes are starting soon.  I got into Reading and Reading Practices!  I get to learn about book clubs!  Also, I have to pick another class to drop, which is like choosing which of my children to abandon at the zoo.  (Answer: make it a race.  My car seats five, and that is a sacred trust.  If you liked being in this family, Timmy, you would’ve run faster.)

So… that last paragraph went somewhere weird.  Let it be known, I have neither children, nor a car.  Anyway, with classes and work restarting, pretty soon this blog will be about things again, rather than me muttering inanities which entertain only myself and, if that last paragraph is any indication, will lead to my well-earned ostracism from class and society.  I should sign off before I cause any more damage.

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Filed under grappling, great ideas, school, stupid jokes, work

New Year!

New Year’s Eve was awesome, of course.  It was Katherine and I vs. wine, and we prevailed!  We drank wine, we drank all the wine.  Ah, but the wine wreaks bitter revenge today.  Katherine figures I should live in Ottawa, because I need her good influence.  I think I should live there because Katherine needs my specific influence.  Not bad influence, just my influence in general.  The whole world needs my influence!  I need to start my own magazine, I think.  Or religion?  That could be a resolution: become cult leader.  (This is why I need Katherine’s influence, incidentally.  She so consistently curbs my cult leader aspirations.)

On the topic of resolutions, I have none.  I’m pretty good at being consistently goddamned fabulous, let’s not risk fucking up perfection.  Katherine and I determined that, in the New Year, we’re both going to be healthier, but that’s not so much a resolution as an undeniable statement of fact.  Late December has been so full of chocolate, wine and ass-sitting, it would be utterly impossible to be less healthy.  Gerald is doing some week-end mini-bootcamps this month, I think I might go for it.  But I can’t think about it too hard right now, the hangover won’t allow it.

You will be not shocked in the least to learn I’m irritatingly peppy while hungover.  I’d like to thank Katherine for not stabbing me in the neck at any point this morning while I insisted on headbopping to 80’s music and chasing her dog, because terrible pain is no reason to sit still and be quiet, that would be just ludicrous.

This morning, in two completely independent conversations, through no maneuvering of my own, I wound up talking about the difference between Jimmy Buffett and Warren Buffett.  I just found that mind-blowing, and I’m making you read it like it’s interesting to people other than me.  Anyway, I swear to Christ, when I was a teenager I found a clothes store online with Hawaiian-print dresses run by Jimmy Buffett, and no-one believes me and it no longer exists.  It’s the phantom Jimmy Buffett Hawaiian dress store!  That haunts my addled brain!  I’m not crazy!

Because we are mired in the cold and terrible winter months, and my legs are weirdly immune to cold, I’ve been going around with bare legs and a shorter skirt.  It’s my campaign to bring some skin into winter.  Reactions on the street are mixed, to say the least.  But I stand by my campaign!  And I will until, like, mid-January, when it gets really cold and I finally have to put on stupid tights.  (The secret is, it’s not a campaign, I just hate tights so much, so very much.  Almost as much as I hate pants.  Damn pants.)

Oh, while Katherine and I were out being brilliant a few days ago, I came up with a totally awesome quote that’s now my blog subtitle: “The best ideas are rarely good.”  I thought that was pretty rad.  I’m going to scrawl it on my forehead in permanent marker before every job interview ever.  (But seriously, potential employers Googling me, I’m just entertaining, don’t worry.  Imagine how much fun I will be around a water cooler.)  I also want to put it on my (still) potential business cards, but I’m pretty sure it violates every rule of business cards ever, and my career services guy may just start hitting me and never stop.  Anyway, with Katherine I plotted out the business cards: my name, this quote, and a picture of my face, squished into a photocopier.  Missing: phone number, email, anything else.


Filed under exercise, fucking inanity, shenanigans, stupid jokes