Monthly Archives: December 2010

The Tale of Anne and the Time-Door

It’s Christmas and no-one is reading this anyway, so I wrote another dumbass story!  Yay!

There once was a lady named Anne, because why the hell not?  Late one night, Anne tried to open her bedroom door, but the door wouldn’t open.  She looked through the keyhole, and she could see a bright sunny day through the windows, and a strange woman sitting on a strange chair, drinking a glass of white wine.

Obviously, time travel was happening.  So Anne shouted through the door at the lady, “Hey, what time is it?” and the lady was all, “I don’t know, noon?”  They had to shout really loud, because they were shouting across goddamned time.  So Anne said, “No, sorry, what year is it?  Year is the relevant thing, here.”  And the wine-drinking lady was in the year 2034.

Anne was absolutely terrified by this, but decided to try opening the door anyway, because plot is happening and Anne makes poor life decisions.  So she got her emergency battle-ax and went screaming for the bedroom door.  The power of poor decisions breaks down the time-door!  Huzzah!

The wine-drinking lady was pretty chill while a strange voice was screaming at her through her door from the past, but the sudden appearance of Anne with the emergency battle-ax was startling.  Unfortunately for Anne, Wine-Drinking Lady is a sorceress with an emergency combat wand.  Fortunately for Anne, Wine-Drinking Lady is really drunk and has bad aim.

The battle royale finishes when Wine-Drinking Lady realizes that Anne is her long-lost mother.  The two have a tearful reunion, and Wine-Drinking Lady joins AA now that she knows her mother never abandoned her, she just ran through a time-door.  The moral is, if you have kids, think of them before you rush headlong into the first bizarre anomaly you find.

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Whatever Christmas!

I’m safely ensconced in my apartment after my Christmas familying.  It was lovely, of course, but it is nice to get back to my own bed with my own shower and my own kitchen.  Spent the day organizing gifts and not a hell of a lot else.  The news keeps talking about Boxing Day shoppers, which is a cruel joke to Nova Scotia.  I have gift certificates, dammit!  Why must I wait 24 grueling hours for SportChek?!

Did my Christmas Baking-stravaganza with my awesome grandmother a few days ago, so I had gifts for people in the form of baked goods.  I only ate one of my own cherry surprises this year, and gave the rest away, which needs to be a goddamned Nobel Prize or something.  Maybe if I gave them to Osama bin Laden, and the pure deliciousness caused him to give up terrorism.  (And now my blog is on several watch-lists.  Worth it~)

Ah, it’s been so long since I updated, I’ve forgotten the nuances of the process.  How do I properly convey my delightful witticisms?  How do I get four to six entertaining paragraphs out of absolute inanity?  Should I start drinking now?  I have a blog, it’s like I’m a writer.

Before I left for Truro, I went to the Tuesday night kickboxing class at the club which is, as it turns out, not taught by Gerald.  It’s taught by Ray, who I never really met, and I was totally thrown for a loop because he was ever-so-slightly different so I had to rethink all these basic things I already knew.  Like, side kick, I know side kick, I’ve thrown a million side kicks, but Ray explained a side kick and suddenly I was flailing around like some beginner.  So embarrassing.  But different styles are fun, too.  Like, Ray apparently loves doing take-downs, so I learned about four new take-downs, and they are ridiculously fun and easy.  Just, how to smash a bastard to the ground, in one easy step.  Step one: Put that bastard down.

Hung out with my uncle from Montreal this week, which I always enjoy.  He always has the best perspectives on things.  He made me watch Winter’s Bone, because he figures that would’ve been our family if great-grandpa hadn’t escaped the Ozarks hillbilly tribes to become a Nova Scotian hillbilly (still hillbillies, but at least it’s freezing goddamned cold!).  Later I was tasked with the job of asking Grammie questions about… whatever… while being recorded so we could get good memories down.  I got some scandalous stuff about an arsonist just as Christmas supper was being set down.  In retrospect, I should’ve asked about the hillbillies.  Those guys are always gold.  You just put people on a hill, shit automatically gets scandalous, there’s no helping it.  It’s the altitude or something.

Oh yeah, I finally got the wherewithal to weigh myself.  The last time I weighed myself was last January, and I’ve lost 40 pounds since then, which is pretty cool.  Really, 40 since July.  Probably going to gain some back with all the chocolate and loafing happening this December, but whatever, Gerald will whip me back into shape come January.

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Filed under exercise, family, fucking inanity, kickboxing

Bruises for Christmas!

With my lax December training, all my bruises have been fading.  But I got some good ones today in grappling!  Oh man, was grappling sweet.  We did The Thirties, which, if you don’t memorize every word of this blog (WHY DON’T YOU?), is, all totaled, ninety burpees, ninety sit-ups, ninety squats, and ninety push-ups.  Oh man, it’s been so long since I did that.  Now I will feel justified in everything I eat for the next two weeks.

But the best part was the rolling!  I rolled with Angela, and I got two, two, legitimate tap-outs, and our third fight timed out.  I didn’t get to start in the easy position, I didn’t get any special advantages, nothing!  My first win was with an Americana arm bar, which means, like, breaking-your-elbow move, and my second with a Rear Naked Choke, which is, well, a choking move, from behind, I have no idea why the ‘naked’ is in there, I’ve asked.  Anyway, I’m just giddy.  Grappling is harder in some ways than kickboxing, because the moves are so intricate.  Kickboxing is, like, Hit him in the face, kick him in the stomach, repeat as necessary.  Grappling is, Get your legs around her right shoulder and neck, hold her head down, hook your left foot under your right knee, point your toes up, pop your hips up, and squeeze your thighs.  And I have simplified this.  Incidentally, I just described the Triangle, one of my all-time favourite moves.  It is a choke, and God help you if you forget to point your toes up.

Another fun thing from rolling, Angela complimented my heaviness.  We spend a lot of time practicing being a heavy as possible on top of each other, which is so counter-intuitive for women, but important in rolling.  Anyway, I like it as a compliment, “You were so heavy!  Good job!”  Last week, Natasha and I were practicing heaviness, and from the bottom being, like, “Heavier, heavier, I know you can do it!”

Do I have anything to talk about that isn’t grappling-related?  I went shopping for my very few non-baked goods gifts.  I had a committee meeting in the Superstore, because Dana and I are the whole of a committee and we can have meetings wherever we freaking well meet.  Uh, the juxtaposition of those sentences makes it sound like I got my gifts at the Superstore.  I did not.  I got my soy sauce at the Superstore.

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Life is boring and fantastic

Yeah, so I haven’t updated in a little while, because nothing has been going on.  No classes, no parties, no fitness, no work!  Well, I worked last night, but there was no one there, so I just sat quietly for five hours and went home.  Everything is cancelled and everyone is gone because it’s December, so I’m just hanging around, going on walks and getting fat.  All of my adventures have been pointless and abortive, like, Shannon is Thwarted at the Passport Office, but That’s OK, She’s Not Actually Going Anywhere for, Like, Five Months, Anyway.

I availed myself of the public library’s reference desk yesterday!  I needed directions downtown, and I was all, like, the Reference Desk will save me!  I’m always willing to boost my compatriots statistics!  Anyway, they were totally nice, so this is me plugging them.  Rock on, Halifax Public Library.

My new laptop is fun, but the keyboard is slightly different and messing with me.  There’s an extra line of keys along the left side, so I keep hitting this “print” key when I’m going for “shift”, and the “calculator” key when I want “control”.  My life is very difficult. I have to say, though, I love the existence of the calculator key.  Because I need the calculator all the time, because I am an idiot.

I dreamt last night I got a haircut from six ladies is creepy masks.  This is why I haven’t updated in like five days.  Because I have nothing.  I’m telling you people my dumbass dreams.

Oh!  I found one of my all-time favorite teas, Stash Christmas Eve tea!  I’ve been hunting for it all year, to no avail.  As soon as I saw it yesterday, I was, like, Oh yeah, seasonal.  So I bought a whole bunch, because fuck seasons, just… just fuck those guys.

Anyway, I’m going to go back to my small, Decemberly, hibernative existence of reading things.  News, novels, whatever.  I found a book of poetry called The Truro Bear!  I think it’s that American Truro near New York, but whatever, the Truro bear has a blueberry field and everything!  I will be going back to Truro to hang with family and harass friends sometime soon.  Baked goods will occur.  I will make cherry surprises, which are the best thing that will ever explode in your mouth, bar none.  I’m willing to do some kind of panel to test this.  This is an ‘everybody wins’ sort of situation.

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Latkepalooza!

Attended a latke party last night (and wound up tragically missing the mustache party, like a big loser).  Talked to many interesting people at latkepalooza, and had one conversation that I was all, “This is going in my blog!” and now I can’t remember what I was talking about, so this is acknowledging that I remember that there was something I was desperately intent on blogging about at 1am last night, but it has faded like the morning dew.

One important thing that I do remember is the conversation about What Is In The Basement, Zombies Or A Dragon?  I originally thought zombies, because that’s how I roll, but the warm nature of the pulsing light sort of had me turned around to the dragon side.  Actually going into the basement was apparently not an option.  I say this, because none of us thought to do it.

My other adventure yesterday (I can have multiple adventures in one day, because I have a very broad definition of adventure) was getting a shiny new laptop.  Early Christmas!  My old laptop is a sucky piece of suck, which I am now giving to my brother because he doesn’t have a laptop, and sucky laptops are better than none at all.  But mine is new!  And shiny!  Also, functional in some ways, but whatever.  The colour is blue.

I’m not updating from my shiny new laptop, though.  I’m updating from the reference desk.  The very boring reference desk, where no one is talking to me, because everyone is studying for exams.  Nobody wants to learn new things, basically, they’re just working on remembering the old stuff.  And I have no homework, so I’m left with you, beloved blog, to keep me company.  The fun we’ll have.

I’ve gone to, like, four parties this week, which is why I haven’t updated in a little while.  Halifax Librarians Party!  Notable for it’s hidden food caches!  You turn a corner, and bam!  Surprise sushi!  Go up the stairs, and holy crap!  Some crazy ginger tarts!  This paragraph has a lot of exclamation points, but I stand by all of them.

I changed the layout of my blog.  I liked the pretty cranberries, but they didn’t actually sum up anything about me, they were just what came with the blog.  Can anybody make blogs?  Can you make me one with blueberries?  Blueberries sum me up.  But only the lowbush kind!

Most important issue of the post: I finally went back to grappling.  With schedules and homework, I haven’t grappled in a month.  It totally sucked.  For one drill, I was on my partner, and I was going back and forth from pinning her down to controlling her arm and kneeing her armpit, and I was just, like, God I’ve missed this.  I’m going to try to go to an extra grappling class this week, for funsies.

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Filed under fucking inanity, grappling, shenanigans

Sushi Yummy

Just went out for sushi with Kathleen.  I successfully used chopsticks… depending on how loosely you define “successfully”.  I did not ask for a fork, which is, in my mind, a successful bout with chopsticks.  Stabbing in vain at the rice, crying in frustration, and finally eating it with my fingers is like success, right?  You’d be surprised how classy I can look while eating rice with my fingers… in my imagination KATHLEEN DO NOT RUIN THIS FOR ME.

Over lunch, we discuessed the idea of a $250 gift certificate to the liquor store.  I think I would go in planning to get, like, one really amazing bottle of wine, then come out with 25 $10 bottles of wine.  I would build a wine cellar, and take guests on a tour, and they’d be all impressed until they noticed it was filled with, like, Yellow Tail and Gallo Brothers.  Also, that my wine cellar is under my bed.  But then we’d get drunk on cheap wine under my bed and everything would be lovely.

Went out for drinks last night with numerous classmates for a “Semester is Finished” celebration.  Naomi and I came up with a plan for if I ever have a baby.  I’m going to abandon it at the mall, and it’ll be raised by the janitors and the staff at the Orange Julius stand.  And eventually my family will wonder why I never get them Christmas presents any more, and its because I can’t go back to the mall, because my baby lives there.  Anyway, we hit that point where we couldn’t stop laughing, but when we tried to explain the joke to other people they were just, like, That’s kind of funny.  So I’m memorializing it here, for you, Internet.

I did two presentations on Tuesday, which involved a lot of random analogies, like, “The search for the right collection management software is like the search for true love” and “So, if a tree falls in a forest, you know… can a robot really have knowledge?”

Wednesday was dedicated to sleeping in, window shopping downtown, and showing up to work and being told I could go home.  If I wanted to.  Um, yes please?  This is what lead to my being able to hang out with the classmates.  I’m still working on the weekend, so this was just a surprise day off.

This evening, I will go network with librarians and present myself as proper librarian material.  I need to make myself some stupid business cards.  Well, ideally, actually some intelligent business cards.  Not clever business cards, though; that’s too risky.  Staid, serious business cards, for my staid, serious business persona.  I’m frowning all serious-like as I write this.

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Filed under fucking inanity, school, shenanigans, stupid jokes

I chess, I am chessing, I have chessed

So, I chessed for the first time at Erica’s party last night!  (You guys, if we all use chess as a verb, it’ll totally catch on!)  I won, but only because my teacher/opponent, the very nice and patient Nanci, gave me lots of tips and do-overs.  I had, like six pieces left on the board, and I’d taken one of hers.  I’m still in the very learning stages, where the pieces have the names: Diagonal Guy, Straight Guy, and Horse.  I figured out pawn, queen, and king, but they can have silly names, too: Easy Metaphor, Doing-Whatever Badass, and Valuable Liability.

Last day of class tomorrow!  Thank you, Jesus, for having your birthday just precisely when I am finished with this crap.  Ah, but I kid.  I’m read a new article about robots today, and it’s totally making it into my presentation tomorrow night.  I am just excited about robots.

Oh yeah!  Mary and I came up with the greatest sci-fi idea ever!  Because, you see, robots are being programmed with ethics.  And robots can also analyze lots of data, and they’re super-efficient, and they don’t need bonuses to pay for gold houses full of cocaine and whores.  Anyway, so robots should run the banking industry.  And that’s how robots take over the world.  We give it to them, because they’re better than Bernie Madoff!  So, a sci-fi show about banking robots.  Ethical banking robots.  This is the next Battlestar Galactica, right here.

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Filed under fucking inanity, great ideas, school, shenanigans, stupid jokes