My best fitness-adventure this week has been adult beginners gymnastics. Crazy-great surprise! I showed up wearing jewellery and lululemon, expecting some low-key spinning or whatever. Holy crap! The warm-up had some of the line exercises we did in grappling, and the fucking inchworm. Then we did a circuit, sixty seconds each of intense exercises that in this case were kind of gymnastic-y. Then we got to the gymnastics. I was the only complete beginner, so my degree of spinning around the bars was significantly more spastic and immediately-falling-off than everyone else’s. And my various jumps on the trampoline were the sloppiest and contained the most giggling.
I also had a llama adventure. This is an adventure where you go to a children’s petting zoo and let a llama bite your face, because the part of your brain that is supposed to prevent this is overcome with the part of your brain that screams “Llama-llama! Llama-kins!” Of course, it was a petting zoo, so it was a llama love-bite, not a llama tetanus-shot-bite. And it was also the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me ever, so there’s that.
Oh man, I actually tried going to the gym tonight, since I have been a complete slug for far too long. I’m not getting paid for this, but the ladies at Snap Fitness in North Battleford are very nice about showing me ways to use those machines that I don’t understand. I was wandering over to them and being, all, “I’m bored of my abs. I want my bum to look good, now.” And the lady would show me the cute-bum machine, and I would be incapable of operating it without further instruction because I am the stupidest person you know. While I was failing at the treadmill, some guy was watching me, while being on the treadmill, and I wanted to yell at him for staring at me being stupid instead of helping. But watching me fail is generally hilarious, so I can hardly blame him.
I finally managed to find that yoga class. So happy! There’s a proper hot yoga studio in North Battleford, this place is great! This wasn’t even actually hot yoga, but they cranked the hotness anyway, because they rule and this place is stupidly cold. (Actually, the cold snap is over, and Saskatchewan is now at a balmy -12. I am not being sarcastic, I am genuinely excited.)
I hit up a judo class. So different from Halifax! There were about 20 kids and maybe 5 adults. I’ll have to get used to martial arts being a bit different. Judo’s really cool! I learned some new stuff that was stuff I already knew, but differently. For example, breakfalls. Just doing them slightly differently suddenly makes me a dumbass amateur again. In judo they really fling you around for the breakfalls, which is fun and different. I was partnered with a ten-year-old girl, and I learned that ten-year-old girls can flip motherfuckers with the best of them. (In this scenario, I am the motherfucker.)
I’ve been having some pretty crazy times recently. Being the kind of person I am, I moved across the country, from Halifax to Saskatchewan, for a job! And now that I’m here, I’m closer than ever to figuring out what that job is! Haha, but seriously, I’m having fun meeting everyone in my office and working out what projects I’ll be heading up. I moved to the town of North Battleford, which is small compared to everything else I’m used to. Also, I’ve never been to the Prairies, and holyfuckinggod when people said cold they meant it. I live like a two minute walk from work and that length is kind of killing me. I bought hardcore winter clothes and my face goes numb! But my pride stops me from driving.
I bought my first car, so exciting. Ya’ll don’t know this about me, but my ability to get lost is pretty fabulous. And with a car, it increases exponentially! I tried going to yoga, and I wound up on the highway. I got one town over, explored that for a while. The point is, my attempts at working out have been stymied by the ridiculous cold and my own stupidity. Much like a bear, I’m compelled to stay inside and eat my roommate’s fudge, developing a layer of insulating fat.
Cool thing about my town. It has a Danish Bakery, and a Scandinavian Bakery. I had to do some delicious, cream-based investigation, to see how different these bakeries were. There are lots of cool things about my new town, but I don’t really care about the rest. I just want another cream puff. I’m finally hitting the gym tomorrow, this is very important. I actually got sincerely injured in that grappling tournament two months ago (my pec muscle), and with moving and all this craziness I haven’t worked out at all since then. I am going to completely embarrass myself! Yes!
I went to a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu tournament in Truro today. Whoo! I got points and everything! Possibly my points were for takedowns, it’s a little hard to tell in the moment what the hell’s going on. Anyway, I had two fights and lost both. One was a tie and we had to go into overtime, which was fun. Whoever got the takedown first won. I… I did not get that takedown first. Important things from the tournament! 1. I got a new tournie t-shirt, which is good because my old tournie t-shirt has been getting skanky. 2. I got a brand new long sleeved shirt to wear for the fight, so I looked pretty while losing. 3. I learned to french braid my hair specifically for this. (It is possible I am dangerously shallow. Caution: No diving into Shannon.)
Also, I honestly considered backing out of my second fight because I swallowed someone’s hair and was half-choking for a while. Is this the lamest injury? Yes, yes it is.
Anyway, everyone was great and we all had fun! There were 13 ladies there this time, which is awesome! And they weren’t all from Bushido Kai! We actually got to have divisions and shit, and I met new people, just all so much fun.
I invented the combat hug last night. A combat hug is when you attempt to do a clinch, but it turns out you suck at just everything, and you wind up in an super-aggressive side-hug, instead. Really, I bet I could’ve thrown some knees from there. In the ring, I’m sure inventing moves mid-match at least gives you the crazy edge. So, yes, combat hugs, tell your friends. Or just hug them!
I’ve discovered I’m generally too polite to kick my partners in the head, which is bad because sometimes they need to learn. I’ve got good hips, so if I can see they’re not going to dodge my headkick I’ll just kick over their head. I’m a bad partner!
I came up with a great joke! You know how Tim Hortons sponsors kids soccer teams? And those teams are called TimBits? And you can drive by a game and see all the TimBits running around? So… free range timbits! Boom!
OK, I’ve been called out on my crappy updating ways, so here’s my attempt to make amends. I’ve just had such a boring life lately!
After about a six-month hiatus, I went back to grappling today! Yay! This was inspired by many things, but largely by my brother challenging me to a grappling match, so I need to get back in form for the Very Exclusive Mason Family Tournament, scheduled for Whenever We’re In The Same Room Next. We can make t-shirts!
After six months, I have forgotten so much! But not everything, so that’s good. I even totally won two rounds of rolling. One was the rear naked choke, my eternal favourite choke. The other win may not count completely, because I had to get my rolling partner to talk me through the last half of the choke. I was almost there, I had her pinned, and then I made her tell me how to finish because I suck and Angela is so nice. Other fun thing: while practicing chokes I was trying to remind Angela to grab my head, but I was already kind of choking, so I couldn’t say anything, so I just kept hitting myself in the head, and she was like, “Are you tapping? Did you forget how to tap?”
I continue to kickbox, of course. I’m sort of getting to the point that I’m getting way fewer bruises, and the bruises I get are way lighter, which I know means I’m getting more hardcore and conditioned but also kind of sucks because I want my damn trophies. I am in pain, why can’t I get my props?
In other, desperately important, news I have started putting blueberry liqueur on vanilla ice cream, and it is pretty much heaven. The moral is, always do everything a booze salesman suggests. I have never been lead wrong, in all the one time I’ve done this.
So, I’ve been a lazy lazy-bones for the past little while. This is why God invented RSS feeds you can ignore until a person gets her act together and updates again, I guess? Whatever!
I went for a long weekend to Ottawa with the lovely Miss Katherine, and in one drunken moment claimed that I could fight most of an octopus. I think because eight legs is, like, two people? Limbs-wise? And two-on-one isn’t really fair, but maybe I could do slightly more than one-on-one, so I guess, like, I could fight all of one guy and another guy’s arms or something? Which equals 3/4’s of an octopus? Look, I was drunk. Ernest Hemingway once said that you should actually do everything you claimed you would do while drunk, just to teach yourself to shut the hell up. So on the advice of Hemingway, I guess I’ll be heading to MarineLand with my boxing gear and some octopus-grade handcuffs.
Do you guys want actually fightin’ news? The other day was “get hit in the face” day, where you put in your mouth guard, put your hands up, and get hit in the face over and over for three minutes while practicing the elusive art of Not Blinking. It’s funny to do because your partner keeps checking if you’re OK, so you keep assuring the guy that’s hitting you in the face that you’re cool while maintaining this unavoidably crazy Not Blinking game face.
I had karaoke shenanigans the other night! It was my first time at karaoke, very exciting. I sang Werewolves of London, because I am only interested in songs where I get to howl, apparently. Also, I’m one of those “only knows the lyrics” people, so I don’t actually know the titles of, like, any songs, unless the title is in the chorus. Lessons learned from karaoke: put you’re name down early. I put mine down late and wound up waiting forever. I would’ve sung more, but I was ready to leave by the time I finally got up. So, learn from me, karaoke virgins. Also, people misspell things, so don’t give up. It may be under “Wherewolves of London” after all.